Let me take you on a journey to a wondrous land filled with action and adventure, a little place called Austin. Austin, Texas is a magnificent sprawl of land filled with all types of beings with all kinds of amazing, and very different, behavior patterns. One of the most amazing and awe inspiring parts of the land is a little place the local folk like to call “downtown.” I’ve been given the task of classifying the various types of creatures that make up the Austin night life scene, based on their habitats, rituals, and visual characteristics. I am but an observer describing the types of things one would see venturing out into the wildlife.

We begin with one of the most feared creatures of them all, the Homo Sapien Coccus Bloccus Managerus, known commonly as The Cock Blocker. There are many different types of Cock Blocker, but this research article deals specifically with the breed known as The Manager.

Habitat

Now you’ve probably seen this unassuming creature before, but you may not have been able to identify it due to its cunning techniques. This creature is a predator, feeding upon unsuspecting individuals, and is usually found in a multitude of locations. Through training and practice, the creature has adapted several techniques that make it able to appear spontaneously on command. We were able to coax this creature out of its hiding place by using as bait an innocent individual who went to speak to one of The Manager’s group members. The individual is still in the hospital recovering from trauma.

Appearance

The Manager is never seen alone, this creature will always be found in a group, masquerading as one of the members; in reality, and unbeknown-st to the fellow members of the pack, the creature secretly sees itself as an heir in waiting to the throne. To get to the throne, the creature will do anything in its power and will stop at nothing to attain the title.

Rituals

The creature silently stalks its prey, unmoving and unflinching, listening to conversations and carefully watching the movement of the members of its group, this is why it is referred to as The Manager, because it acts as if the fellow group members are employees who are known troublemakers. Sometimes you will be warned that The Manager is approaching by one of the fellow group members saying something like “uh oh, we have to go, I see my ‘manager’ coming,” with a roll of the eyes. Other times it will be too late, as The Manager swoops in and yells out one of its trademark roars, “We have to go!” “I’m tired!” or “The Dallas Cowboys won a game!” anything to distract and cause confusion, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. Once the manager has roared it is usually too late to recover.

Prey

This creature feeds on seeing its friends, or as it sees them, employees, suffer. Whatever it can do to cause this will be done quickly and effectively upon the sight of a smile, laugh, or its mortal enemy, the exchange of contact information.

Defense

The Manager is an almost invincible creature, feeding upon the innocent and relishing in the glory of leaving its employees alone and confused, while it then returns to comfort them. It thinks along the lines of “I only beat you because I love you.” Fear not though, this creature does have several weaknesses, a few of which I will describe shortly, the others you will have to research yourself, as the creature adapts and becomes more resistant to these techniques.

One method is referred to as “The Point,” this technique has been rendered almost useless after overuse. In this method, when one sees The Manager approaching, he or she points in a different direction and yells “What’s that over there?” the creature then looks and the employee and friend escape unscathed. This move is now dangerous, as once it is tried, the creature locks gaze, grabs the offending finger and immediately breaks it without batting an eye.

The most effective move is known as the “Wingman.” In this move, as the creature approaches, one must quickly move to introduce both the employee and manager to the “Wingman,” quickly getting them into conversation and departing immediately.

Conclusion

As long as one knows the warning signs and how to avoid this creature, there should be no real danger from this being; however do not take this creature lightly, as a miscalculation will lead to a catastrophic disaster of epic proportions. Tread lightly my students, and until next time, this is Professor Ek, signing off!