You see them every weekend as they roam the bar scene. You can hear them from 2 blocks away like a herd of buffaloes stampeding over the hill. First, you hear the stomping of dozens of brand new pairs of heels on the concrete. Clickety clickety clack! Clickety Clack! All you can do is stare at a nearby puddle or the drink you’re holding and see it ripple like in Jurassic Park when the T-Rex is approaching. All of the sudden, these clicketies are accompanied by screeching screams. As they resonate in your eardrum, they make your head turn frantically trying to figure out where the sound is coming from.

And there they are, a very excitable pack of clucking chicks on stilts. Clicketies I call them. All dressed alike, or least wear something that helps them distinguish themselves from others. Maybe accessories like giant dildos, colored wigs, some kind of representation of a penis (lollipops, earrings, …), bunny ears and something as simple as color coordination. As you may already know, on any given weekend night, you will see many of those groups so it is important for that no chick loses her way and ends up in another pack of clicketies. And of course, you can easily spot the Head-Clickety as she proudly wears the ceremonial sash and/or crown and/or veil. She may not always be the most attractive in the pack but some dude has chosen her and tonight is her last night to do it big. So all power to her!

So as they walk in, or may I say, bum-rush the bar, they all proudly shout their battle cry (i.e. loudest WOOHOO you’ve ever heard) as well as throw their hands in the air. This means that it is time for our clicketies to assemble in the most convenient area around: usually a table close enough to the dance floor and the bar which where they will spend most of their time.

Now it’s time to let loose. All the chicks surround the head-chick and sing praises to her and dance around her. However, each clickety has her pre-determined role, which is one of the following:

• The Drink Clickety is in charge of ordering rounds of alcohol for the rest of the pack. If possible, she will schmooze with the bartender and make sure that the drinks keep coming. No clickety party is a party without inebriation.
• The DJ Clickety must flirt with the resident DJ to have him play songs that will keep the group entertained during their temporary stay at the bar. Any dance song works. Britney Spears, Rihanna and actually the nastier the song, the more excitable they get. You won’t be surprised to hear them sing the lyrics to My Neck, My Back in unison.
• The Dance Clickety has to make sure that the Head-Clickety keeps dancing as well as bring in any innocent bystander into the ritual. (and that’s why I don’t dance around bachelorette parties. I don’t want the Dance Clickety to grab me and make me dance with the Head-Clickety). She’s probably the wildest one in the pack because the more drinks she gets from the Drink Clickety and the more she hears songs requested by the DJ Clickety, the crazier she gets. Kicking her leg up. Dancing on the couches or on the bar. Going down on her fellow clicketies. (This is the best time to play the Girl Dance Game by the way).
• Last but definitely not least, the Chaperon Clickety takes care of the roll call and makes sure that all clicketies are present. She will accompany her sisters to the bathroom. She’ll be on the phone giving directions to other clicketies on their way. 20 clicketies enter the bar, 20 clicketies leave the bar: that is her mission. She calls the shots. She will carry purses and shoes by the end of the night. She might have driven all of her clickety friends downtown. Since she oversees the entire operation, she cannot allow herself to get loose so she is usually the least fun. So try not to mess with her.

When the Chaperon Clickety thinks it’s time to go to another bar and go through this entire process over, she rallies everybody. And by everybody, she means everybody and on to the next one! After a pack of clicketies leaves the bar, there is somewhat of a void. All the excitement, the 3 loud woohoos per minute, the cheers, the dance music, the hands in the air, the playfulness of these excitable creatures. All of it just vanished. You can still feel the energy generated by the stomping of their heels as they danced and smell that mixture of perfumes though. But chances are, another pack will come through those doors and you’ll be able to see it all over again.

My advice to you is to not get too close. Don’t invite yourself inside their circle. THEY bring you in, play with you but then they may abandon you with no remorse like a kid throw away his toys because they’re no fun to him/her after 15 minutes. And don’t feel bad if they leave you behind, you do not belong to their group and Clicketies are very selective! Plus there are plenty lurking around, you can always catch the next wave. As probably the most organized group of night-time crawlers, clicketies do constitute an important part of the nightlife as they provide entertainment as they did for me last weekend. After all, what’s a bachelorette party out at night but an well-organized Girls Night Out on steroids?

Well, Good luck and congrats to the Head-Clickety. I mean, hurray for the bachelorette! And Clickety Clack all the way, ladies!
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